Sometimes I feel like God doesn't like me very much...

Why else would he make me work at my ex-boyfriend's parent's dollar store? Why???

This is what happened: I was about to bike home from grocery shopping, when my cellphone rang: I looked at it said, "Just $1"-his parent's dollar store! I was surprised, but picked up the phone, and it was his mom, asking if I could work for about 2 1/2 weeks because she was going to Korea. Of course I didn't want to, but she said there wasn't anyone else--which must be true, or they wouldn't have asked me of all people!

Sigh. Story of my life. Can't escape the awkwardness, can I???

-____________-;;

So I went there on Wednesday, (it was pretty awkward--I hadn't seen my ex-boyfriend's parents since we broke up in October), and yesterday I opened the store and worked 9AM to 4PM and dealt with annoying customers like this lady who bought about $7 worth of stuff and paid with her credit card even though I told her the minimum was $10 and the sign was in front of her face. -_- I was so tired by the end--my feet hurt a lot from standing for hours, and it was so hot outside!

Today was a little bit better. But one lady got angry at me, because I couldn't understand her foreign accent, and she asked me, "Don't you speak English? All your customers are Americans." (Irony!) I just smiled at her. She left once, then came back and bought what she was looking for, and kinda yelled at me because she wanted a white plastic bag instead of a black plastic bag. Ughhhhhh....but maybe she has reasons for being like that. Maybe she's going through hard times right now? Who knows?

But two things I realized while working there: 1) My ex's parents must really love their kids a lot! Who would choose to work retail full time, seven days a week, especially at a dollar store? I worked 7 hours yesterday and today, and it's so exhausting. I hope their sons appreciate them more. They really deserve a break.

2) I don't exactly know why God wants me to work there--I was just about to start applying to more places, to find "real" jobs, when his mom called me. But maybe this is training for the future--if I can't be faithful here, how can I be faithful in the future as a missionary in a foreign country?

I guess it could be worse...at least he's not dating someone new right now. If he were and I had to work at his parent's store... now that would be ridiculous. Like something out of a Korean drama.

But another ironic thing is...a few hours before his mom called me, my own mom and I talked on the phone and she was saying how it's not good to be around my ex-boyfriend (I see him at church and church events) and how I should move to the West Coast and live near her or with my dad. My lease expires in September, so if I don't find a good full-time job, maybe I should leave...but that would be like I failed on living on my own...I wonder what's going to happen in the next few months? My ex is going to Kyrgyzstan in two weeks on a "missions trip" (more like a teaching English trip 9_9), and I'll still be working at his parents' dollar store >.<

Why God, why?? Is this my punishment??? I know I deserve worse, but still...it's just so unexpected.

I recently found out about the "Stay at Home Daughter" movement, which is related to the Quiverfull movement (conservative Christians who don't believe in birth control and have as many children as "God gives them") and part of the Christian Patriarchy Movement. This is some of the things that they believe:

-unmarried daughters should stay at home with the parents and be trained to be a good future housewife to her husband instead of going to college or pursuing a career
-when they get married, the father gives up "authority" of his daughter to her husband

"My loyalties have had to undergo a change. I was used to thinking Dad knew best. Now I needed to learn to think that Pete knows best. I used to do things and invest my time in projects according to what I knew Dad would want me to do. Now I needed to be guided by what Pete wanted me to do. When faced with a problem or option I couldn’t think “What would Dad have done in this situation?” Now I had to think “What would Pete do in this situation?” These were exciting times and difficult as during this state of flux—learning to replace one man’s vision with another—the devil would come around and say, “But what about what you want? What about what you think?”"

-a quote from Isaacharian Daughters newsletter

The daughters learn homemaking skills like cooking, gardening, soapmaking, candlemaking, sewing, beauty skills, etc. (Wouldn't it save time to just buy soaps/candles? What about leading Bible studies? Evangelizing? Leading worship? Or is that only for men??)

So they don't believe that women should be independent of a man, to work outside the home or pursue higher education...hmm. So I have some questions for people who believe this:

-What if God never gives you a husband? What if you are called to celibacy? Even if you are 30,40,50+ years old, will you stay with your parents forever? What if your parents pass away? Cooking and sewing and everything is nice, but without other life skills, how are you going to survive? Not everyone is called to marriage. Or what if your husband passes away? How are you going to support yourself if you have no experience with work outside the home?
-If every Christian woman was a stay at home daughter and did not go to college, who would lead Women's Bible studies on college campuses or evangelize to the non-Christian women? Should only men do these things?
-If the greatest goal in life is being a good wife and mother, what about women who are called to celibacy? Are they less of a woman because she is not a helpmate to a man? What about women like Gladys Aylwood, Lilias Trotter, Amy Carmichael, missionaries who never married or had children?

Personally, it makes me upset when people believe in this kind of things because it seems very legalistic and pointless--Jesus never said to the women who were following him, "You need to go back to your houses and be homemakers." There have been faithful Christian women who did more than being a wife and mother, like those I mentioned above. There have even been female martyrs. Also, we're not supposed to be living for this Earth, so our greatest goal should not be becoming great mothers, wives, etc, but to be loving God and loving people and serving God. (I'm not saying that being great mothers and wives is a bad thing, but it's not the most important thing.) If we're only preparing for comfortable lives, taking care of our families on Earth, how can any of us be missionaries, etc? Who's going to reach out to the secular work environments? The universities? Other countries? (This is also why I don't think the Amish/nuns/monks living separate from the world is a great idea--Jesus said to "go and make disciples", not "keep the Gospel to yourself and live away from the world.")

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

What do you think?

I went to Kansas City, Missouri to the famous IHOP--no, not the pancake restaurant, but the International House of Prayer for the annual Passion for Jesus Conference. I've heard of IHOP before--that it was...charismatic, so I wasn't really interested--I go to a Korean presbyterian church and was involved in a conservative evangelical ministry in college, so nothing too crazy happened there. But I met the younger sister of one of the members of my church and she invited me to go and she even offered to pay (since I'm not really working right now) so I said yes.

I actually thought we were leaving on Thursday morning, so I was very unprepared when Youna called me early Wednesday morning and asked, "Are you ready?" -_-. I hurried out with one outfit of clothes and my backpack. Seriously, I was planning on going to my church's small group that night, haha!

Youna's mother drove me, Youna, and Caliste to the airport, and the flight was around 10:30, and I sat next to a woman while the other two were sitting together. We arrived at around 12 noon, and Youna got a rental car and she drove us to the famous IHOP prayer room--where people are welcome to come and worship and pray 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was a band on stage in the front, and multiple TVs with lyrics. There was a section for people to body worship (dance) and a man was painting. The worship was...different because instead of singing song after song, the band would sing Bible verses and repeat them, and sometimes the other singers would add things, improvising. Sometimes they sang songs that I knew. I sat and started to get a bit bummed out because I remembered how my ex and I crossed a lot of lines physically...the curse of memories, I guess.

We went to Pastor Kim's apartment near IHOP and where Pastor Kim and his wife fed us ramen and grapes. It was a bit awkward because they would speak mostly Korean and mostly to Youna, so I felt bad for Caliste. (who is Caucasian). I talked to Youna for a bit while we were alone--I love how she talks about God--I don't know her well, but I can tell she has been truly changed by God. She keeps saying how far away from God she was, and how God is kind and gentle, and how much He loves her and healed her. Wow. *o* I read a bit of Hosea, then we went back to the prayer room and my dad called me and said he would be coming to visit on Monday--he needed my help for something-I got a bit annoyed at him because he only calls when he needs me to do something for him. I felt bad later though, and decided I should try to love him, especially since he lives in the West Coast now and I don't see him much at all.

We went back and before we went to sleep, I asked the girls, "What do you want to get out of this conference?"
Youna said, "God. I want to fall in love with Him again."
"If you love God, it's easier to obey Him," I said.
"It seems everything falls into place when you love God," Caliste said.
"Can't love Him without receiving Him." said Youna.
I wrote a letter to God, asking, "Is it wrong of me to expect great things to happen on this trip?..."

Thursday 4-19-2012
We went to the prayer room again, and the stood in line for the registration. The conference started at 2 PM, and the worship was led by Misty Edwards, and it was probably one of the longest worship sessions I've been to--about an hour (at my church, it's about ten minutes, lol). My legs ached after, haha. The speaker was Corey Russell, and he talked about the book of Revelation and John 17, about how Jesus asked the Father for a Bride--us. We had to leave a bit early because we were signed up for the Prophecy Room, so we slipped out and drove there. We had to wait a bit, and went in groups of three and sat down across a couple who both had the gift of prophecy--not exactly like knowing the future, but words of encouragement from God. All three of us wanted to record what they would say so we could listen to it again later, so I recorded a video on my camera.

The guy spoke to me first: "I feel like you're under some spiritual warfare." Wait, what?? >.< "I saw a picture of storms going above you, and I feel like there's some chaos going on in your life, but I feel like the Lord is saying there is a break coming from it...It's almost like a healing season as well...His voice is going to be very clear to you...I feel like He's going to increase the prophetic voice in your own life, I feel like you're going to be one who hears from the Lord and speaks it to other people to encourage them (...) one that prays and intercedes (....)"

Then his wife said that she saw a picture of me holding a camera taking shots--"I feel like you're a creative person (...) the Lord has gifted you with visual arts" (What?? I didn't tell her anything about myself, that I majored in art, haha) ...the Lord is inviting you into a place of visualizing the Bible and letting the Bible come alive to you...instead of being sounds, I feel like it's going to be pictures to you." (wait, did she contradict her husband or can it be both??) She mentioned Revelations 4 and 5, about the throne of God, and how the Lord will show me things that are happening above right now. That was...interesting. For the other two girls, they were more specific, mentioning things like missions, reaching out to the Jewish people, etc. Mine was a bit...vague.

Friday- 4-20-2012

During the 6 PM session, there was a healing session, and apparently people were getting healed. I didn't hear anyone getting healed of their eyesight or get out of a wheelchair though. I was wondering it it was for real or if it was psychology. (Like I mentioned before, I'm from a more conservative evangelical Christian background.)

Saturday-4-21-2012

After the conference was over, we went back, and Youna wanted Pastor Kim to prophecy over us before we had to leave, so he and his wife put their hands on us one at a time and prayed. I was the first one up, and it was very awkward and strange, being prayed over by people I barely know in tongues. Mrs. Kim opened her eyes and said to me, "Do you know what 자장가 is? (Lullaby) Do you have trouble sleeping?" She said God sings lullabies over me. Pastor Kim said he saw a cross with light, but the light wasn't very bright. He said I had to accept/receive God's love. Mrs. Kim asked if there's anything I want to cast out: I said, "Loneliness, sadness." She told me to rebuke it in the name of Jesus while they prayed. Pastor Kim told me to read Romans 8 and replace my name into "we" or "us": For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (me) from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8: 37).

P. Kim said he felt a heat on his shoulders, and said the Holy Spirit was hugging me and protecting me. Mrs. Kim said Jesus was dancing with me like with a child, and how He loves me so much. "You don't need to compare yourself with others, God loves you."

I went up to the front every time they asked if anyone wanted to receive prayer, and I was hoping for something big to happen, but nothing happened to me. I saw other people being "slain in the spirit", healed, etc, but for me, nothing...am I immune to the Holy Spirit?? Am I too prideful? Too skeptical? I'm a bit disappointed about that, but I'm glad I still went.

This morning, at the airport, Youna gave me a CD she bought of Jon Thurlow's worship songs (he was one of the leaders of the worship sessions), saying how one of the songs had the verse from Romans that Pastor Kim told me to read. :) Here's the song:



I met my dad today after church, and we caught up and he bought me groceries and gave me some cash. He had tea at my house and it was a bit awkward, but he said he was proud of me (more than the other kids). We both said "I love you" (in English) before he left. (We never say it in Korean haha.) I prayed again that God would save my dad...

Ok, so cancel the last post about the crush thing haha! I need to just focus on God right now. ^^;;

I was helping out at a kiosk at my college last Thursday, handing out Jesus films to students walking by, when two Mormon missionaries asked me what I was doing. I explained to them I helped out at a kiosk reaching out to Muslim students, and they invited me to meet with Mormon missionaries, so I gave them my contact information.

So on Sunday night, they came over, but I wasn't expecting them, so they asked if it was better to come back another day, so I met with them today (Tuesday)-with Elder W and Elder J. I was surprised because they were both men--since I'm a woman, I thought they would send two women or something.

So I invited them in, and I got my Book of Mormon (I got it a long time ago, but never read it) and Elder W explained some basics about Mormonism--he talked about prophets and "authority" on Earth, how "authority" was lost after the twelve disciples died (he used an example of a table losing its legs), and people pieced together Christian truths that created all these denominations today. He said that Joseph Smith saw a vision of Jesus and God the Father, who told him that all the denominations are wrong, and later found gold plates that was translated later as The Book of Mormon. He read from the book of James, about asking God for wisdom--that's what Joseph Smith did.

Elder J was talking about how people could misinterpret the Bible: he drew a dot and asked, "How many lines can you draw through that dot?" He drew 2 more dots and asked, "How many lines can you draw through these three dots?"

Elder W asked me if I had any questions: I asked, "What about Paul?" Since he wasn't one of the 12 disciples, but didn't he have "authority"? Elder J said Paul became one of the 12 to replace Judas, but Elder W corrected him and said Paul was later baptized and received authority from the disciples when they prayed over him. (?)

Elder W said that he read the Book of Mormon and prayed about it, and felt peace, and they told me to read a chapter of the Book of Mormon (Nephi 29?) and pray and ask God about it. They asked me to pray, so I did, and then they left.

They were very friendly, like I heard about Mormons. It was a bit awkward at times though. I don't really know how to explain my faith to them since it's similar...but I don't believe that there are more scriptures after the Bible, or the Koran should also be considered, right? But that's another topic.

On a more personal note, I'm moving out on my own soon! Yay! My dad is moving to the West coast, so I'm going to be on the East coast by myself, living in a townhouse about 20 minutes from here. I'll be closer to church, which is great, but I'm sure I'll miss my family once they leave. I'm not close to them, but of course I'll feel a bit anxious. I also need to find a full-time job or two part time jobs so I can survive alone. It's going to be strange living on my own...but I feel like my life is starting to begin, haha.

Also, I got rejected again by my ex...I wrote a letter of apology, asking for another chance, but he basically said even if I had all the qualities he was looking for in a woman, he still wouldn't choose me. Ouch. I guess I deserved that, huh? I should have respected him and honored him more >__< I hate it when relationships go bad.